Tips for Couples Dealing with Conflict

“If needed, give yourself some time and space to have time alone and connect with your feelings and needs. Sometimes we can do this in the moment of conflict but most of us will need to take time.” 

Nurturing Love and Respect
Relationships can contribute to happiness and they can also contribute to pain and sorrow. I have experienced both and discovered some things that helped me navigate the terrain. 

One thing that can be helpful is having a plan of action when you or your partner gets activated. Here are some tips on cultivating a life enriching relationship. It is best when both partners are actively working on these things. Regardless, if invested in your relationship these things will go a long way.

Don't Take it Personally
1. When your partner is angry or upset they may show up in a way that is quite unpleasant for you and others. For instance, your partner may tend to exaggerate and make things sound worse than they are to be heard. They may use language like "always" and "never." The key is to remember that they are in pain. Hurt individuals hurt others because they don't know how to deal with the hurt. They are communicating out of pain. Don't take it personally. They have something very valid to share. You can listen to their feelings and needs to discover it, but don't listen to their evaluations of you or the marriage. If you listen to their evaluations you will get depressed or angry. Take the time you need to gain your composure and to get calm then get curious about what is behind the message. If it gets too hard take the time you need and talk later. We are not in any way justifying their behavior but rather learning how to navigate it and now add more fuel to the fire. You can always discuss later how what they did affected you and request for them to work on that area. 

Dealing With Judgments, Blame & Power-Over
2. When your partner or spouse judges, blames and uses power-over strategies it is important to focus on centering and grounding ourselves. If we are grounded and are calm, we can choose to help them de-escalate or give them time. It can be difficult  to bear through conflict when it occurs and we may need to increase our capacity to be with discomfort and conflict. Yet, it is key to remember we can only control how we respond and not the other person's behavior. So, focus on what you can do instead of trying to get them to change. For instance, you can calm down by walking away, you can try to empathize, you can take some deep breaths, you can ask for some time, you can let them know that you are only willing to talk when both of you are calm or you will walk away, etc. These are all things you can do.

If needed, give yourself some time and space to have time alone and connect with your feelings and needs. Sometimes we can do this in the moment of conflict but most of us will need to take time. 

By connecting with your feelings and needs you are validating them and giving yourself understanding and empathy. Then when both of you are calm you can communicate them by using 'I" messages (example: When I hear voices raised I feel frustrated because I want peace and respect for our family). Don't say the word "you" when sharing "I" messages. If your partner is still in pain you will want to help them communicate their feelings and needs first and then share yours. Someone who is still hurt will not be able to hear your feelings and needs. Once you have validated your partner's needs and expressed yours you can brainstorm together to come to a reasonable solution that meets both of your needs. 

If your partner has a pattern or habit of using judgments, blame or power-over then you may want to seek help from a therapist, counselor, or experienced life coach. You cannot change another person but you can influence them to consider change by suggesting help or (if needed) setting boundaries. There is no excuse for domestic violence and if this is occurring you can leave the relationship either for a time or indefinitely. You may want to create a safety plan if you plan to leave and will want to make sure it is safe to do so. Most violence occurs when someone tries to leave the relationship. 

Focus on What You Can Do
3. Focus on changing yourself and not on changing your partner or their character faults. It is okay to make suggestions or give feedback if they are open (this is healthy when there is an openness to learn from each other). Giving feedback that is welcome is very different that trying to change someone or fix them. We are generally inclined to want to change or fix others. It seems easier and more convenient but it doesn't work. Putting your energy into changing someone is wasted energy and can be exhausting. This is different from influencing them. But putting hope in influencing them to do as you would like can also cause trouble if you get attached to an outcome and then get very resentful. Whether they will change or not is unpredictable and depends on them. Also, keep in mind that sometimes an outside party will have more success influencing your partner than you will.

Focus on what you can change - yourself. When your partner does something that stimulates pain in you it is your responsibility to keep it together and respond with love and respect. Work on your responses and behavior. Helpful questions to ask yourself are ... "What can I do to feel better? What can I do to calm down? What can I do to bring more peace to the relationship? What can I do to manage my anger better? What can I do to respond better when I am criticized?" "What can I do to be emotionally and physically safe?" The more specific you can respond to these questions the higher likelihood you will enact different responses and actions. 

Avoid Comparisons
4. Avoid comparing yourself or your partner with others. This will only make you and them miserable. Accept that you did not marry the other person and did marry your spouse (if you are married). Accept your partner for who he or she is and make a commitment to love them. 

Don't Imply Wrongness or Blame
5. Do not imply wrongness of the other or blame each other. This is hard to do but key to a grace-based relationship. Make an agreement to never blame or imply wrongness of the other and if you do quickly accept responsibility for it. If you make a statement that implies wrongness you can be accountable by saying this: "I am deeply saddened that I said something that implied wrongness because this is not what I want to do. I really want to express my feelings and needs and not judgements and blame."

Unconditional Positive Regard
6. Assume positive intention and practice having unconditional positive regard. Everything that your partner does or says that is uncomfortable or annoying for you is connected to a need of theirs. If they raise their voice and call you a slob they are most likely feeling upset and need cooperation, cleanliness, understanding or support. If you focus on what they need (what is behind the action) you see them in a different light. They are just in pain and don't know how to communicate their need in that moment. There is something they really long for and if you can connect to the longing you see their humanity and not a negative projection.