Mourning … The Art of Letting Go
“Hold on to your anger and use it as compost for your garden.” —Thich Nhat Hanh, Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames
Some years ago I was feeling incredibly angry and resentful. I felt this way for a couple days. I have learned that when I judge others, it only contributes to anger and resentment. Despite knowing this, I kept judging a particular person. By doing this, I only added more drama to the story I was creating in my mind. I attached myself to ideas of unfairness, rudeness, disrespect, pride, and selfishness. This person was all of these in my story.
I found it strange that something would bother me so much that I would choose to go down this path of misery. “I should know better,” I thought. “I am a counselor.”
Mourning Needs
Then I remembered that I needed to mourn my unfulfilled needs. My needs were not met and they were not going to get met by this person. So, I mourned. I said, “I am sad because my needs for empathy, support, consideration, understanding, cooperation, consistency, respect and contribution are not fulfilled at this time. I am mourning these unmet needs and longing for them to be fulfilled.” I repeated this a couple times.
As I did this, I felt an internal shift and relief. I let go of my resentment as I accepted reality. I realized that I could not make this person meet these needs and that I had to find an other way to fulfill these needs. I chose to savor the energy of these needs for a while so as to connect with these needs and their beauty—it was almost like reconnecting with long lost friends. Just saying the needs as I did was helpful, but staying with how precious these qualities are, letting myself really feel sad, and spending time in that “bittersweet” territory of grieving the sense of not being connected to the need’s fulfillment outwardly while beginning to taste it inwardly—that is what supported acceptance more deeply for me. I have found that sometimes connecting with my needs in this way is enough to fulfill them. Other times I may look for a way to meet them that is external and involves others.
I now understand what Jesus meant when he said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” The comfort comes from being free of resentment, connecting with what could be, and in accepting reality. Then we are free to create a better dream.
We can become resentful because there is something we care about (need or value) and we have become attached to a specific way of experiencing more of it (a strategy involving a specific person or action). When we let go of the strategy and tune in to the need, that is when the shift from resentment to grief sometimes happens. And then to allow ourselves time to mourn, to feel the grief, and to feel into the precious need underneath it—that can be transformative and comforting.
As I look back on this difficult moment in my life, I am reminded of the truth that seeds need to die to produce more seeds and fruit. When we mourn our unfulfilled needs and let go of what we cannot change we breathe new life into our souls. Marshall Rosenberg sums it up well when he says that “a need is life seeking expression.”
When we mourn, we make room for this to happen.
Taking Responsibility for Our Needs
Letting go of my attachment to that person meeting my needs, I shifted to taking responsibility for them myself. I started with self-empathy: allowing myself to acknowledge and feel my longing for support, consideration, understanding, and respect. Freed from expectations that were not being met, I had space to consider other options for addressing my needs. To my surprise, I realized other people could help me meet those needs. I also realized that I had the power and creativity to take specific steps to meet my needs myself. I became aware that by setting boundaries I could even get my need for consistency and predictability met. The freedom and expanded sense of possibilities was wonderful, filling me with hope.
I encourage everyone to mourn needs in their lives that are not being fulfilled and then to brainstorm new ways to meet those needs. You may find, as I did, that there are many more ways to take care of our needs than we thought at first! You may even find that you can even shift from a story of lack, scarcity, and hopelessness to one of abundance, hope, and love.
Practice: Is there something that you need to mourn? Is there some thing you long for? Take a moment to mourn today and experience the comfort that comes from mourning and dreaming a new dream.
Excerpt taken from book Principles and Practices of Nonviolence by Eddie Zacapa.