Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Building a Marriage That Works

A photo from our wedding. 
Five Keys to a Healthy Marriage

Here are some qualities that are important to have in a marriage. Think of them as the five keys to a loving relationship and healthy marriage. Without keys we do not have access to things (our car, home, etc.). If we do not work on the five things mentioned below we may find walls between us instead of doors to connection and love. To have a relationship where we are open, trusting and loving we need to be willing to do the work of using these essential keys.

1. Both individuals are willing to put the other person first and value their partner (their feelings, opinions, wants and needs). The reason we do this is because we tend to think about our wants and needs first and not see needs of others. This doesn't mean we do not focus on our needs but we make sure to not miss capturing those of our partner. It is consideration for the other person and a willingness to listen, to be humble, and to recognize when harm is done. When this is done mutually, the couple opens the door to trust and security in the relationship. There is a feeling of being safe together.

2. Encourage and nourish each other. Both individuals develop a giving spirit, one that cultivates a safe and welcoming environment. It is essential to focus on giving more than we do on receiving. For example, thinking of things that you can do for your partner to fill their love tank, rather than just thinking about what you need to fill yours is a start. Next start actively doing these things. Some things that can be done on a regular basis include: affirming each other verbally, being romantic with each other (leaving notes for each other, sending flowers, planning a special date, etc.), serving each other (doing chores, making lunches, changing diapers, running errands, etc.), and spending quality time with each other.

3. Chose to love one another. Both individuals are working on not being self-focused but consider the other person's needs before voicing their own. They are willing to endure sacrifices for the other partner and offer a love that is unconditional, committed, and benevolent. He/she does not say, “I love you if you do this or because of …”  or love with conditions but instead he/she says, “I love you without conditions.”

4. Invests in the potential of the other person. The couple encourages the goals and dreams of the other partner and helps him/her realize them. This person helps their partner be healthy at every level (physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually).

5. Recognizes and responds to the other person’s needs so that he/she can help their partner attain their needs. They may ask, "Are you feeling ______ because you are needing _______?" They value the other person's needs and care about meeting them. They also may ask, "What would you like me to do for you?"


Yelena said...

This is a wonderful article and so true. I see so many "marriage advice" that talks about putting your spouse first, but your post emphasizes that BOTH spouses need to put each other first. If it comes only from one person, they turn out being a victim, while the other person is dominating and abusing the relationship.

Thank you for a great post.


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Eddie Zacapa said...

Yelena - Thanks for the affirming words. I agree, it is essential to build a marriage on equality and respect. And that is something that should be mutual.


ishhu said...


Bruce Grader said...

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Eddie Zacapa said...

Thanks Talking Fly!